Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Crysta, the wizard of OZ
This here is my cousin Crysta in her completely messy and chaotic lifestyle in Melbourne Austrailia. Thank GOD she finished teachers college and came out with SO much more she went into it with. But still...with the mess and chaos and the lifestyle. I don't think I realized how much I missed this one. Maybe it's because I have let myself become jaded by the people in my environment now, and how little of myself that I choose to be around them. Crysta is the sister I should have had, and she's fantastic, and she's true and she's the funniest person you will ever meet. But wait! Don't run to your nearest airport or bus station yet, because this kangaroo is off to Cairo to kick it with her boyfriend, and possibly throw together a little wedding.I went to Hamilton to welcome her back from OZ, and she got really drunk with her family that night and we celebrated and kept pouring more wine into her glass and you can see it all now (by the way, Calvin, this should explain her conversation with you that night over my crappy cell phone with the bad reception. Sorry for the attack! I'm the youngest, I'm a girl and a boy called. I think you understand!)Spending the past couple of weeks with Crysta and my family has brought me back to when I went to school here and spent almost every second with her. I met a crazy tribe that she ran with and found myself with an invitation to be apart of that. As much as I don't want to her see her go so soon, I am overjoyed that she has finally pieced a huge part of her own life together by meeting Mark (fiance) and that she will be 24 with him and us for a lonnng time. Our family doesn't grow up, let me help you understand that! Crysta and I are the only two girls in a huge family of guys and every once in a while, just the two of us will sit down to dig up and piece together our parents lives in contribution to all of our own. Our conclusions are tenfold. Last night, we realized alot of shit about our families. I had been thining alot lately about this topic of families and relationships with parents and their kids. I constantly evaluate my own.
Knowing that this is completely subjective to me, let the logic and reasoning that brought me to it, free for the taking, if you need it and if you have not already realized this to be true for yourself.
Crysta's dad and my mom are brother and sister. Crysta is heavily effected by her dad and I am hugely effected by my mom. We reciprocated this sort of unexplicable frusteration when it comes to having to deal with issues at hand with either of them. It's because my mom and her dad were completely emotionally MESSED up by my grandpa. He was from LITHUANIA of all places. "The old country" where in his lifetime, they lived by the book. My tevukas especially tried to squeeze blood from a stone when dealing with his kids, and my grandma, an undiscovered saint said nothing but made up for it with her compassion and warmth as a mother. Yup, a true patriarchal family. All of us grandkids begged to be taken to grandma and grandpa's for the royal treatment during christmas, but we had to wait another 15 years to find out why our parents never wanted to be around one man. It's sad, and I like to look at this whole thing as a story I am being told. But now, I am able to provide some legit answers to some deeply rooted isues with myself by looking at how I was raised.
Everybody in the world has messed up families and it's what you bring of your own issues to a relationship. When partners have kids, their love life is put on hold and are subtly forced to re visit some old insecurites that they had when standing infront of a completely fresh human being. Here's the kicker. The more unresolved the issues are with these new parents, the more their kids have to suffer through them.
I am much more content with this discovery and it's a motivation, especially right now. After hanging on to my roots for quite some time, I think I'm ready to let some of it go to invest in myself. I've been identifying with others (my parents, old friends etc) and it's not it. We all need to exposed to other human beings whether or not it's the scariest thing to do, or throws you out of your comfort zone. I think we have to accept things for what they are, and never go around looking for revenge or pay back on anything because then your bus might make a round trip when you look too hard and you end up where you started and caught nothing that passed your way.
My cousin said that 20 to 25 is all piecing yourself together. I think that's solid advice because we need a voice of experience to keep us sane. So get your ass out of your chair and get out and get far and create your own journey to find yourself. I understand this only now, after hearing it one million times. I have motivation and reason to DO this now after hearing this one millions times.
Stay sane my 20 some odd friends. You are human and no different from what every other person will reach or has reached at this age. You get by.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
alot of sad inside happy
Hi!
Life is going on and routines are forming. I'm getting used to this new lifestyle of working full time, so that I can make the money to binge on bills and get wild with the banks and party with the tellers. I'm doing all of this, but I'm going home after work each day and I'm thinking this is my time. Precious time. Oh my god, this is such precious time. The thing is, I feel...not right. Like there is a robber in my heart. I want to be happy because I want to be happy about everything forever and I'm justifying this year of straight work as a means to learning life skills to counterbalance this project of a happy heart and every day street smarts. I find that I'm not finding abundance in my surroundings. My apartment is smokey and stuffy and WAY to high up from the ground. My parents are building their life back up in wortley and as a result are finding new avenues to their own partnership with eachother so I tread but tread carefully. I understand that I'm 20 and can handle my homesick. I see the people that live in our old house every day at the market and it makes me think of our backyard. My brother is enjoying his social butterfly self in his new world because he's got some years on me and besides, most of the family agreed that Matt was more prepared for our move out of Bobbybrook than Lauren was. I wish I saw him more. He supports my potential identity as a starving comedian. But see, (back a sentence) thats just the thing. I've been thinking alot lately about the past 2 years and how life changed. It has helped my maturity tenfold that we moved out and moved on-some to different countries, others to different streets-but sometimes I feel like someone made me do this and that I'm learning hard styles to every lesson that will reach everyone come 23, 24. Why 20? I've been kidnapped and been placed into a 24 year old body. This probably sounds obscure because to you, you know of many 19 and 20 year olds that go through the same thing, but I'm a wee different. See, I kept myself cozy and safe all life long. My parents were my security. My brother was my outlet to the social world and to me life was a playground and I always felt like I was holding up a big bright painting and noone could understand why. I'm not closed to individuals that express themselves polar opposite, but what I've found, is a lifelong struggle of connecting comfortably. My scale tips all the way to the other side and I get sad, but keep moving because mom says to. That's why I miss sir Calvin because I feel he knows my diagnosis. And I do hope that he gets out of his love funk because it's really messy doing time from a broken heart in your hometown cal.
I know life will continue and there is always something that I live towards, but I've just been feeling a little blue lately and I wanted to tell you a bit about it.
I'm gonna move, and do it alone and find big big things. Mending the heart and introducing new and stimulating ways of utilizing this big ball of passion will be on the menu. I hope that you get a chance to eat at my restaurant, I really want to cook for you!
bye love
lauren
Life is going on and routines are forming. I'm getting used to this new lifestyle of working full time, so that I can make the money to binge on bills and get wild with the banks and party with the tellers. I'm doing all of this, but I'm going home after work each day and I'm thinking this is my time. Precious time. Oh my god, this is such precious time. The thing is, I feel...not right. Like there is a robber in my heart. I want to be happy because I want to be happy about everything forever and I'm justifying this year of straight work as a means to learning life skills to counterbalance this project of a happy heart and every day street smarts. I find that I'm not finding abundance in my surroundings. My apartment is smokey and stuffy and WAY to high up from the ground. My parents are building their life back up in wortley and as a result are finding new avenues to their own partnership with eachother so I tread but tread carefully. I understand that I'm 20 and can handle my homesick. I see the people that live in our old house every day at the market and it makes me think of our backyard. My brother is enjoying his social butterfly self in his new world because he's got some years on me and besides, most of the family agreed that Matt was more prepared for our move out of Bobbybrook than Lauren was. I wish I saw him more. He supports my potential identity as a starving comedian. But see, (back a sentence) thats just the thing. I've been thinking alot lately about the past 2 years and how life changed. It has helped my maturity tenfold that we moved out and moved on-some to different countries, others to different streets-but sometimes I feel like someone made me do this and that I'm learning hard styles to every lesson that will reach everyone come 23, 24. Why 20? I've been kidnapped and been placed into a 24 year old body. This probably sounds obscure because to you, you know of many 19 and 20 year olds that go through the same thing, but I'm a wee different. See, I kept myself cozy and safe all life long. My parents were my security. My brother was my outlet to the social world and to me life was a playground and I always felt like I was holding up a big bright painting and noone could understand why. I'm not closed to individuals that express themselves polar opposite, but what I've found, is a lifelong struggle of connecting comfortably. My scale tips all the way to the other side and I get sad, but keep moving because mom says to. That's why I miss sir Calvin because I feel he knows my diagnosis. And I do hope that he gets out of his love funk because it's really messy doing time from a broken heart in your hometown cal.
I know life will continue and there is always something that I live towards, but I've just been feeling a little blue lately and I wanted to tell you a bit about it.
I'm gonna move, and do it alone and find big big things. Mending the heart and introducing new and stimulating ways of utilizing this big ball of passion will be on the menu. I hope that you get a chance to eat at my restaurant, I really want to cook for you!
bye love
lauren
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