Hi!
Life is going on and routines are forming. I'm getting used to this new lifestyle of working full time, so that I can make the money to binge on bills and get wild with the banks and party with the tellers. I'm doing all of this, but I'm going home after work each day and I'm thinking this is my time. Precious time. Oh my god, this is such precious time. The thing is, I feel...not right. Like there is a robber in my heart. I want to be happy because I want to be happy about everything forever and I'm justifying this year of straight work as a means to learning life skills to counterbalance this project of a happy heart and every day street smarts. I find that I'm not finding abundance in my surroundings. My apartment is smokey and stuffy and WAY to high up from the ground. My parents are building their life back up in wortley and as a result are finding new avenues to their own partnership with eachother so I tread but tread carefully. I understand that I'm 20 and can handle my homesick. I see the people that live in our old house every day at the market and it makes me think of our backyard. My brother is enjoying his social butterfly self in his new world because he's got some years on me and besides, most of the family agreed that Matt was more prepared for our move out of Bobbybrook than Lauren was. I wish I saw him more. He supports my potential identity as a starving comedian. But see, (back a sentence) thats just the thing. I've been thinking alot lately about the past 2 years and how life changed. It has helped my maturity tenfold that we moved out and moved on-some to different countries, others to different streets-but sometimes I feel like someone made me do this and that I'm learning hard styles to every lesson that will reach everyone come 23, 24. Why 20? I've been kidnapped and been placed into a 24 year old body. This probably sounds obscure because to you, you know of many 19 and 20 year olds that go through the same thing, but I'm a wee different. See, I kept myself cozy and safe all life long. My parents were my security. My brother was my outlet to the social world and to me life was a playground and I always felt like I was holding up a big bright painting and noone could understand why. I'm not closed to individuals that express themselves polar opposite, but what I've found, is a lifelong struggle of connecting comfortably. My scale tips all the way to the other side and I get sad, but keep moving because mom says to. That's why I miss sir Calvin because I feel he knows my diagnosis. And I do hope that he gets out of his love funk because it's really messy doing time from a broken heart in your hometown cal.
I know life will continue and there is always something that I live towards, but I've just been feeling a little blue lately and I wanted to tell you a bit about it.
I'm gonna move, and do it alone and find big big things. Mending the heart and introducing new and stimulating ways of utilizing this big ball of passion will be on the menu. I hope that you get a chance to eat at my restaurant, I really want to cook for you!
bye love
lauren
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Lauren, have you thought about some ventilation? I know that you might think venting is an 'inner anger' sort of thing, but in all truth it can be a much bigger relief for those who are passive about their issues. I like the idea of moving out on your own, but it is a huge challenge. If you are ready for it, then go for it, but make sure you are ready for it, Because the worst thing is realizing you cant do it and feeling stranded. When you are idling, life has a little way of kinda poking at you, and you can get pretty agitated with yourself. I think that you are a very conscious person, and you should not put up with any external negativity. If you see any negativity from any outside sources, kill it. Get angry if you need to. Spend some money on some equipment and make some art. paint your body and throw yourself at a blank wall. chop down a tree. Dont be content with feelings of discontent.
The rose with the most thorns is easier to climb....and safer to be on.
But the real advice is this. Before you fall asleep at night, lie in your bed, every night, and think about your day, and how this correlates with your internal vision of yourself. Tell yourself how you are feeling. And also, you are allowed to make a big decision right now. So how about this one? I decide that I will be happy for the rest of my life. It doesnt mean to have good days every day, and it doesnt mean to carry yourself as a happy person. It means to be concious of what page you are on in your life, and what page you are on in everyone that knows you's lives. Because when this big event is all over, and you are an old lady lying on your deathbed, it wont matter what you did for a living, and it wont matter where you went. What will matter is the way that you let the world shape you, and the connections you made along the way. You want to have loved and more importantly been loved. You want to have had an identity.
I sometimes think that I havent been hurt enough in my life to be able to truly know what love is. thats a real bummer, and its kinda dumb, so i slap myself.
Find yourself a happy place (even if it is on your couch) never go there if you are going to continue feeling sad. Go there and make yourself be happy, and go there when you are happy. Maybe it could be the top of a nearby building, or a place down near the river.
I know that you can be happy, it is just about seeing life and happiness in all that you are, and all that you do. Get excited to go to work, and get excited to get off work. Smile at strangers, and joke around more then usual.
you are everything.
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