Your gonna wanna

Crysta, the wizard of OZ

This here is my cousin Crysta in her completely messy and chaotic lifestyle in Melbourne Austrailia. Thank GOD she finished teachers college and came out with SO much more she went into it with. But still...with the mess and chaos and the lifestyle. I don't think I realized how much I missed this one. Maybe it's because I have let myself become jaded by the people in my environment now, and how little of myself that I choose to be around them. Crysta is the sister I should have had, and she's fantastic, and she's true and she's the funniest person you will ever meet. But wait! Don't run to your nearest airport or bus station yet, because this kangaroo is off to Cairo to kick it with her boyfriend, and possibly throw together a little wedding.
I went to Hamilton to welcome her back from OZ, and she got really drunk with her family that night and we celebrated and kept pouring more wine into her glass and you can see it all now (by the way, Calvin, this should explain her conversation with you that night over my crappy cell phone with the bad reception. Sorry for the attack! I'm the youngest, I'm a girl and a boy called. I think you understand!)Spending the past couple of weeks with Crysta and my family has brought me back to when I went to school here and spent almost every second with her. I met a crazy tribe that she ran with and found myself with an invitation to be apart of that. As much as I don't want to her see her go so soon, I am overjoyed that she has finally pieced a huge part of her own life together by meeting Mark (fiance) and that she will be 24 with him and us for a lonnng time. Our family doesn't grow up, let me help you understand that! Crysta and I are the only two girls in a huge family of guys and every once in a while, just the two of us will sit down to dig up and piece together our parents lives in contribution to all of our own. Our conclusions are tenfold. Last night, we realized alot of shit about our families. I had been thining alot lately about this topic of families and relationships with parents and their kids. I constantly evaluate my own.
Knowing that this is completely subjective to me, let the logic and reasoning that brought me to it, free for the taking, if you need it and if you have not already realized this to be true for yourself.
Crysta's dad and my mom are brother and sister. Crysta is heavily effected by her dad and I am hugely effected by my mom. We reciprocated this sort of unexplicable frusteration when it comes to having to deal with issues at hand with either of them. It's because my mom and her dad were completely emotionally MESSED up by my grandpa. He was from LITHUANIA of all places. "The old country" where in his lifetime, they lived by the book. My tevukas especially tried to squeeze blood from a stone when dealing with his kids, and my grandma, an undiscovered saint said nothing but made up for it with her compassion and warmth as a mother. Yup, a true patriarchal family. All of us grandkids begged to be taken to grandma and grandpa's for the royal treatment during christmas, but we had to wait another 15 years to find out why our parents never wanted to be around one man. It's sad, and I like to look at this whole thing as a story I am being told. But now, I am able to provide some legit answers to some deeply rooted isues with myself by looking at how I was raised.
Everybody in the world has messed up families and it's what you bring of your own issues to a relationship. When partners have kids, their love life is put on hold and are subtly forced to re visit some old insecurites that they had when standing infront of a completely fresh human being. Here's the kicker. The more unresolved the issues are with these new parents, the more their kids have to suffer through them.
I am much more content with this discovery and it's a motivation, especially right now. After hanging on to my roots for quite some time, I think I'm ready to let some of it go to invest in myself. I've been identifying with others (my parents, old friends etc) and it's not it. We all need to exposed to other human beings whether or not it's the scariest thing to do, or throws you out of your comfort zone. I think we have to accept things for what they are, and never go around looking for revenge or pay back on anything because then your bus might make a round trip when you look too hard and you end up where you started and caught nothing that passed your way.
My cousin said that 20 to 25 is all piecing yourself together. I think that's solid advice because we need a voice of experience to keep us sane. So get your ass out of your chair and get out and get far and create your own journey to find yourself. I understand this only now, after hearing it one million times. I have motivation and reason to DO this now after hearing this one millions times.
Stay sane my 20 some odd friends. You are human and no different from what every other person will reach or has reached at this age. You get by.

Crysta my cousin and the return from OZ this weekend!
BOO-ya ka sha!
I miss her. It's been a year. I'm excited. LET'S PARTY!

alot of sad inside happy

Hi!
Life is going on and routines are forming. I'm getting used to this new lifestyle of working full time, so that I can make the money to binge on bills and get wild with the banks and party with the tellers. I'm doing all of this, but I'm going home after work each day and I'm thinking this is my time. Precious time. Oh my god, this is such precious time. The thing is, I feel...not right. Like there is a robber in my heart. I want to be happy because I want to be happy about everything forever and I'm justifying this year of straight work as a means to learning life skills to counterbalance this project of a happy heart and every day street smarts. I find that I'm not finding abundance in my surroundings. My apartment is smokey and stuffy and WAY to high up from the ground. My parents are building their life back up in wortley and as a result are finding new avenues to their own partnership with eachother so I tread but tread carefully. I understand that I'm 20 and can handle my homesick. I see the people that live in our old house every day at the market and it makes me think of our backyard. My brother is enjoying his social butterfly self in his new world because he's got some years on me and besides, most of the family agreed that Matt was more prepared for our move out of Bobbybrook than Lauren was. I wish I saw him more. He supports my potential identity as a starving comedian. But see, (back a sentence) thats just the thing. I've been thinking alot lately about the past 2 years and how life changed. It has helped my maturity tenfold that we moved out and moved on-some to different countries, others to different streets-but sometimes I feel like someone made me do this and that I'm learning hard styles to every lesson that will reach everyone come 23, 24. Why 20? I've been kidnapped and been placed into a 24 year old body. This probably sounds obscure because to you, you know of many 19 and 20 year olds that go through the same thing, but I'm a wee different. See, I kept myself cozy and safe all life long. My parents were my security. My brother was my outlet to the social world and to me life was a playground and I always felt like I was holding up a big bright painting and noone could understand why. I'm not closed to individuals that express themselves polar opposite, but what I've found, is a lifelong struggle of connecting comfortably. My scale tips all the way to the other side and I get sad, but keep moving because mom says to. That's why I miss sir Calvin because I feel he knows my diagnosis. And I do hope that he gets out of his love funk because it's really messy doing time from a broken heart in your hometown cal.
I know life will continue and there is always something that I live towards, but I've just been feeling a little blue lately and I wanted to tell you a bit about it.
I'm gonna move, and do it alone and find big big things. Mending the heart and introducing new and stimulating ways of utilizing this big ball of passion will be on the menu. I hope that you get a chance to eat at my restaurant, I really want to cook for you!

bye love
lauren

I found this on my friend Ian's computer. I am extremely attempted to assume who the artist is...but let's here your guesses. Where is it and who is it by. I do know where this is though, so shoot.

sucker

Fleetwood Mac:

Everywhere

Second Hand News

Dreams

Both song and lyrics, these songs need to be done justice.

Check them out, they make me feel like dancing on a rooftop at night.

Pictures that say something to me

This picture is sending large amounts of spirit our way. Take this in eh? I love how for just one second you can imagine that all these cats aren't on any drugs, or under any influence but that just joining eachother in celebrating the same thing is a good enough reason to jump around and loose your shit. I wonder what they are celebrating? Music, the rain, youth, being toghether? I guess it's left up to us!
LIFE!! goulet.

I like this picture.

I absoloutely love this picture. I'll try and explain it to you because it's one of those, "you have to know them" ones but it justifies these two SO WELL! So while my friend Tal stands infront of my friend Meagan, he is looking pretty captured by her. Well, he is meant to because he is on quite a daily basis. While Meagan is standing infront of Tal, she is looking like she knows what she's doing, and it's not Tal. Back to Tal, he knows this, but is relentless because he is taken back with her confident presence that lacks cockiness. See, Meagan has an excuse to be cocky with this little one if she chooses to be because he gets very touchy and flirty and sure of himself when he goes out at night, and ultimately overdoes it. Meagan sees things differently. She knows how to have fun, she's got a head on her shoulders and she looks like she holds the secrets. She's a bonafide knockout.
I like this picture.

To me, this picture says "What are we gonna do t'night brain? Same thing we do every night Pinky...TRY to take OVER the WORLD!
I like this picture.
narf.

This picture is inspiring to me, and incredibly endearing. I found it one day online as I was searching google images to find pictures of children for an assignment at school. This just popped up along with a million others, but i was drawn to it. Something in this makes we want to burst out laughing when I see it because I see a definate sense of humour in it, but more so, I just see good people. Whoever these guys are, I'd like to link arms with them and skip, and have tickle fights and play leap frog and tag and maybe make a little fort. They look like SO MUCH FUN! I feel like I know these guys through one picture.
I like this picture.
Oh, and one more thing. The second thing that I think of when I see this, is yelling, "LIFE!! goulet." as loud as I can.

This picture is of my greatest friend Sam, and her boyfriend Erik. Erik took this. I wonder if Sam even remembers when he did. Erik is an amazing photographer and takes alot of him and the lady he loves. This picture speaks loudly on how Sam and Erik are when they are with eachother, and captures perfectly the dynamic of that relationship. Sam is stellar, and i love her and is busting with potential, ambition and charisma. I'd wish you all could meet this person. For as long as I've known her, I knew there would be great things happening in her life, and Erik came along unexpectedly, as an admirer from afar with a camera in hand to capture sam in her element. This picture will tell you in the way that Sam is the focus in this picture, and Erik is right there to back her up, proud to claim her, displaying her personality before his own and letting her take the spotlight. It's a mix of such a real relationship, but a love story at that. Erik provides for the world, what all of our friends have seen in Sam for ages, vibrancy.
I like this picture.

This picture is dedicated to Monday morning. My lovely roomate Megan and I took a long walk, stopped to get our coffee, kept walking...and walking. It was an long overdue connection to ourselves and fresh, calm mornings. What I like about this picture, is the connection between the sun and megan in her exact state that morning. The sun doesn't overpower in this picture, instead it offers a warm silhouette of her.
I wan't to work on capturing someone's state and really go with it. Someone's personality through a picture is so subjective, but I think that I could really try and work on drawing in things around them that justify the person's natural state. I want another camera, of some better quality, because I know this picture could have succeeded that much more in high focus.
I like this picture.

thus far

The summer is continuing, in some sickly heat. The latter half of this past month has been pretty amazing! Meagan and I have been talking about looking for a new co-ed choir to join here in the city, and went through some of our old music the other day. Choirs make me feel like I am a part of something beautiful, if I don't already get that after a day with my friends or family. I know that I am, but to hear how so many voices can come together under a composer and a conductor, is something you have to try out for yourself! Aside from the choir hunt, I have been visiting alot of my past this month as well, which has been fun...i guess. I saw Kieran this past weekend with Meagan. I got a good feeling after seeing him because there were like 4 things I had really wanted to talk to him about since I last saw him. Just about the world cup, the T&T vs. England game, his family, his trip etc. We will be hanging out again soon, and I am the most thankful for that! I'm glad we can now just talk and have a chance to hang out minus the whole earth shattering sexual chemistry thing, because he's one of the coolest people I know, and its SO hard when you cant see past your hormones.
We also got our family together, and went through some of my grandpa's belongings and claimed the things that meant something before it was sold.
I want to do something before this summer ends. I was thinking about it last night. I have a weeks opportunity to either spend most of the time in Toronto, Hamilton and Guelph with a few friends, but I want to gather some people, and maybe go on a camping trip, ride our bikes out somewhere near water? Ideas? Takers?

Toronto with Calvin and his friends was WICKED, forgot to mention. I tried to post something after that weekend, but it...never...happened? The Sunday that we went, was a high quality day filled with a new scene, creative minds, good music, and good food. Calvin did cranes'n'cranes and it turned alot of heads although I dont think that was the point, but instead to come to some familiar surroundings, see some old friends and to get into his comfort zone with certain things.
He painted, we watched, then walked, then ate. Avacado salad and spring rolls ladies and gents, with some kick ass home made dressings.
Then after C man was done, we went to his old restaurant and ate some amazing thai food.
The sky was beautiful on the way back.
I took a picture of Avery, and he was drinking the sky.
I love Toronto, and road trips, YAY!

Anyways, I felt I should write something since this little guy has yet to get started.

Calvin, can I mail my cat to you in a cat carrier, and then I'll mail me over after? I will miss you :( WAIT! We still have a month ;)
Okayyy, so bye and don't forget to go see the new will movie, coming to theatres Saturday. Your gonna wanna!
bye byeee

Peace
lauren

oh...the pictures: 1) Calvin at style in progress 2) Avery drinking the sky 3) Meagan and I singing since birth

Just some images thus far.

Helloooooo!

Up top is just a picture we took on sunday night in harris.

So the wise words of my father came through. tomorrow will be a new day. and calvin's advice helped too. yesterday he told me sometimes you need to look at yourself in the mirror and just see yourself as an animal. yesterday wasn't supreme, but i know i will remember it for a long time, and when i went to look in the mirror, i thought of how wierd we look as humans! it made me feel more normal, thanks calvin!!
i woke up this morning and felt brand new, plus i found out that danielle and zack are working for the red roaster. zack is a personable, expert-pouring, ex-army new employee who i remember sitting with at alex p's over a beer, and danielle...well i think you have all seen danielle at one point or another. she's a hot, soft-spoken but blunt hippie that made the most amazing suggestions on her very first day. danielle makes me happy. and her, beth and i are going to enquire more about the markets policy on composting because we thought it was wrong to just keep throwing away old coffee grinds. we want to package them in bullet bags, and offer them free to customers to put in their garden.

So, i don't have much to say on the topic of today. Actually, i have something to say about having nothing to say. I have a problem with my inability to be articulate at the times i need to ask someone for advice. when you are frusterated, could it be termed articulatory suppression? i dunno...anyways, i wan't to be able to sit down with others and describe what's going on....and i'm finding lately i can't. this leads to a whirlwind of frusteration because i wan't to always be able to communicate with other people. if i went back to school and wanted to study other things, i would choose latin literature and ancient roman history. i want to read to dictionary sometimes and find words that can best fit the moments i have in my head and in my heart. if you are a passionate person, i feel its important you promote that through proper english, but keep your slang, because that also paints a picture to how you are feeling at ANY time. the art of passionate expression, YAYYA!...any other suggestions?

tootles
lauren.

a day for the kids

Hello, i am Lauren. i have created this blog to try having a place to post my thoughts, as suggested by a friend. so here we are, me as the author and y'all have the chance to see where im at!
Well, where i'm at can only start by describing today. me and megan found ourselves being kids...we slept in till 12, rolled our asses out of bed and hit the town to conquer it in one. we walked alot, trying to find just the right place to satisfy our growling stomachs, but tried to incorporate more into the hunt by hitting up some places we have never thought to go to. mainly bookstores (because old bookstores are the COOLEST, and creepy) but then we found the burger that is tasters. this restaurant is out of control yummy. we enjoyed our meal while talking to a friend of megans at a neighbouring perfect image. then, megan dared me to get a piercing to toughen my pansy ass up a bit (i think she thinks im too "nice" lol) and i DID IT! AHHH such an adrenaline high. the thing is, i dont really come to sensible decisions, only the ones that make my lips look cool. So i ended up buying a second for 50 dollars, but that has no potential or longevity in my life. i was thinking of that girl in social justice class that always knew how to articulate her thoughts infront of at least 40 highly passionate students. damn thats hard, but i remember thinking that the only way she was doing it was because of her super cool lip ring that paved the road to understanding, so i went and big fat copied her!
yeah no...but now i have to take it out because its not me. pretty expensive experiment.
oh well, i will probably recieve a couple of punches from megan because she wants me to stand up more, but i think ive accepted after 19 years, being humble. i know the reasons i have for myself, and my actions always decieve. so as long as this has been another experience the shear pain of your decisions in the persuit of curiosity only to learn another lesson times, im pretty a o k.

Oh, okay and so back to today. after we left the shop, megan had an urge to go to the splash pad (created by the city of london) at harris park so we decided to go. its this slab of cement that has in-ground spouts that creates large and in charge water sprays from the ground up. kids loose their mind over this shit so we decided to join the fun and try to remind ourselves what it was like if we did it too. warning, not the same time at all. half way through i realized that everyone could see through half of my clothes, and the other kids were making WAY more friends than megan or i.hahahaha, we had way too much fun though laughing at ourselves in the middle of it, and then came to the bench and watched all these amazing innocent beings loose their shit over little games they made up with their new friends they met that day. very refreshing.
it was fun. andy was our new friend. he reminded me of that andy who is 9 years old who has his own show andy. anyone? anyone? bueller? yeah. apparently he was testing out flirting or flat out didnt like us because he kept splashing us. THEN this guy that looked like willie nelson walked straight through the water pad. it was probably one of the funnier things that ive seen because me and megan also went overboard with the "what if it was actually willie" thing, and then we got ahead of ourselves with imagine scenarios, and snapped back to andy screaming at us to play tag.

We sat at the thames later on in the evening with nancy. that was a good choice. we pointed out things like half bicycle's coming out of the water, and how everything was perfect for a good while, then a dirty cup floated by us. GOO! thames. dirty. london, DO SOMETHING. Good sunday all in all.

I think every sunday should be a day where we can relax, but try to enjoy it different ways, like doing uncalled for things for 19 and 20 years of age. for me, they are all still day to day options if i didnt HAVE to work full time now and give in. in fact i wont give in quite yet. they can have my money, but not my youth! i am jealous of all the kids at the splash pad. I want my childhood back. So let's all agree to term sundays, a day for the kids. If you don't have kids, be a kid! If you have kids, take them to other kids and soak in the innocence they radiate while screaming and running at the same time ( a dynamic duo) across the field. It's all gravy. You can sit and watch and give a little to yourself. I think we need to keep in touch with the kid inside of us.
i have alot more to say on this subject. if anyone wants to add, i would love to keep talking about it!

Okay, i am le tired. i am off to dreamland, and up again to dreamworld....right? hahaha

Peace
lauren